Question:
Hello teacher, my current girlfriend and I have known each other for half a year, and there have been no problems during this period, but something happened recently that made me sick.
Just a few months ago, a man added me on WeChat and left a message saying that we have mutual friends and we can make friends. I passed without much thought and after chatting for several days I found out he was my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend. He didn't show any intentions at that time, he just talked to me about some insignificant things, such as love and values.
But later on, she started to bring in "private goods". From time to time, she would tell me about my girlfriend's past dark history, and even mock me, saying that I broke my shoes.
I told my girlfriend about this. Of course, I didn’t tell her directly that XX said what you did before, I Start by asking her if she has done something before. Then he asked me who said it, and I said it was XX. My girlfriend told me, don't pay attention to him, he is crazy, and then she never paid attention to this matter again.
Such things happened often in the following period, and occasionally she would come to mock me in real life. I was very annoyed and felt very unhappy. Even though I'm unhappy, I can't do anything to her. Can the teacher analyze it for me, what should I do?
Answer:
There are two purposes of harassing the current predecessor. One is trying to win back the ex, and the other is purely vindictive and doesn't want to see others being kind.
Regardless of the purpose, this type of harassment has one thing in common, which is to sow discord.
So when you ask your girlfriend to confirm whether she has really done those things before, it means that his provocation has begun to bear fruit. Because you have already doubted her subconsciously, gradually building up her less cute side.
If you want to deal with this kind of harassment, there are two key points.
The first is to strengthen your own psychological construction and don't be easily led by others' words.
Let’s put it this way, she hasn’t done anything stupid since she was with you. Has she done it again?
If so, then the person he says is the same as the person you see. Is there a difference? Since he is still him, there is no difference, so what does what she said mean to you?
If not, then you should be happy. This means that she has made progress, and you What he got was a more perfect, mature and excellent person, and he only had a "semi-finished product".
As someone who has the full ability to laugh at her from a high place, why do you want to be led away by her?
Another key point isOur partner’s attitude.
In these cases, the harasser often hopes that our partner will ignore them. If our partner talks to us and still gives us non-negative feedback, we will give our ex emotional rewards, causing them to have illusions and push themselves further.
So when encountering this kind of thing, please don’t throw the problem to your partner, and don’t let him confront the other person alone, because this is exactly what the harasser expects. You must communicate with him well and let him stand on a united front with you. This is the most important thing.
Of course, during the communication process, be sure not to bring up the past things between him and his ex, nor be jealous or say harsh words.
Both of these things have a strong repressive nature and can easily arouse his oppositional emotions. So we still have to go back to the first key point, which is to build your own psychology and stay calm.
Then we can take the initiative and let the harasser leave on their own. For example, show affection to your partner in person and declare your sovereignty, making her realize that her actions are meaningless. As long as our partner stands on a united front with us and the harasser fails to achieve his goal, the harassment will be self-defeating.
