When couples quarrel, will their relationship get better or worse the more they quarrel? When we have a disagreement with our partner, we think it's better to endure it than to hurt our feelings by arguing. But we seem to have forgotten that in a relationship that is only gained through compromise and forbearance, one party will demand more and more, and the other party will be exhausted from such compromises and sacrifices.
One of the advantages of quarreling, compared with forbearance, is that it is a process in which conflicts are exposed step by step and both parties seek solutions together. Instead of letting one of the parties suffer silently and digest it alone. So how can we have a reasonable quarrel that not only does not hurt feelings, but also makes the relationship "the more noisy, the better"? Let me share with you how the more noisy your relationship is, the better.
1. Have more confidence in your relationship
There are many friends who are not unwilling to quarrel or express different opinions from each other, but they are just a little "dare not" quarrel. I'm afraid that the other person will be angry and I can't coax him out; I'm afraid that I might even end up having a disagreement and break up if the negotiation doesn't work well. It's understandable that you have worries because you care too much about this relationship.
But in fact, the other party is not necessarily as fragile as we think. So is your relationship. Maybe he/she is also happy to solve problems together? No matter what, have more confidence in each other and your relationship. Don't put the other person against you from the beginning.
2. Communicate with the idea of ??solving problems together
What is a quarrel? The beginning of a quarrel is often when two people have different opinions. For example, your girlfriend wants you to watch a TV show with her, but you want to play games and don't want to accompany her, so she thinks you don't care about him anymore, and you say she thinks too much. , making trouble unreasonably, she said she didn't, how could you say that to her? You said this is what I am.
………
In the end, it slowly evolved into a battle of right and wrong, “I am right, and you are wrong.”
In fact, quarrel itself is also a kind of communication. It’s just that it’s communication with expectations. I want you to do this, and you want me to do that. Both sides hold their own opinions and think they are right. We are so busy fighting for right and wrong that we forget the original intention of communicating in the first place.
So the key to the problem is, how to change to a better way of communication when quarreling? A more appropriate approach would be to go back to the original cause of the dispute between the two people and then resolve the issue together. Going back to the example just given, your girlfriend wants you to watch a show with her, but you want to play games, what should you do? Then agree that you will watch a show with her today and play games together tomorrow. If it still doesn't work, try another plan until both of you are satisfied or can accept it.
3. Don’t treat the situation but the person
Many times, the reason why couples quarrel hurt their feelings is because by the end of the quarrel, the two people are no longer simply trying to convince each other because they have different opinions. Instead, it escalates to a personal attack and condemnation of the other party. Let’s take the example just now⑧~ She wants you to watch a drama with her, but you want to play games and don’t want to accompany her.
In the end, the quarrel turned out to be - she thought you were addicted to games and didn't want to make progress, and you thought she was unreasonable and extremely boring.
It seems irrelevant at first glance, right? But in fact, we make similar mistakes from time to time in our daily quarrels without even realizing it. And this often causes great emotional harm. No one wants to be personally attacked by others. Especially when the other person is someone very close to us, we tend to have a deeper sense of distrust and frustration.
And there is another danger in this - the rebellious psychology caused by the subconscious mind. You say that’s what I am, right? Okay, then I will show you this. Therefore, the other party originally did not have this problem, but after being over-corrected, it tended to worsen the problem. So you must pay attention next time. You can express different thoughts on things, but you must be right about the problem and not the person~
4. When quarreling, you should also take into account the other party's emotions in a timely manner
In a quarrel, the ideal result is that both parties finally reach an agreement and find a solution that satisfies both of them. However, there are also some situations where, after trying to communicate, it is still difficult for both parties to reach an agreement, or it is really difficult to meet the needs of one party.
For example, what if the other person refuses to accompany you not because he wants to play games, but because he has a lot of work today? Then at this time, you can make some compromises and concessions appropriately, and let the other person accompany you next time when the time is right.
When quarreling, give due consideration to the other party's emotions, which means that satisfying your own needs is not the top priority or even the only solution, but remembers to consider the other party's needs and make some concessions for this.
We all know that communication is an art, but in fact, quarreling, as a way of communication, is also an art, and Not a scourge. If couples learn to "quarrel" appropriately, their relationship can become better the more they quarrel.
